May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful & at ease.
May I be happy.
There are so many things I could say about you and that night, but I wouldn’t know how to word it.
I could write about your half smiles you surprised me with when you attempted to play guitar.
I could write about how you made me want to tear down my own walls. Once again, I wouldn’t know how to word it.
I was alive. We left it in the past, but I want to relive it with you.
"White Bed Sheets"
Everyday with you felt like relaxed Sunday morning in white bed sheets with lazy smiles and voiceless moments.
I fell in love with how you would sing in the car and the way you would force me to join in with you.
That same day, I fell in love with how easy it was for you to call me your best friend…. Even if you didn’t mean it.
The drive home from your house reminded me what Monday mornings feel like.
I guess somewhere in the depths of our tired eyes and drunken conversations that were interrupted by stupid jokes and pointless tricks.
I realized, I am in love with your presence that allowed me to reminisce on our old memories.
But I am not in love with you.
This is going to sound a little deranged but I think I partially figured out why I separated myself from people even more when I was sick (beyond the amount I did before all this) and yet, I still struggle with how to let people back in.
My feelings where all in a disarray, both my head and heart felt airy but heavy at the same time.
It’s almost like I was a grenade..or am one.. I’m not entirely sure about that part yet; sooner or later I was planning on completely exploding and being done with everything, life itself- finally confessing to my wallowing worst.
I’m convinced that I wanted to “minimize the casualties.” I preferred to stay away from people so whatever was going to happen to me it wouldn’t hurt them as much as it potentially could have if I never disappeared.
I wanted to be extraordinary but it feels as if that has become one of the heaviest burdens because as of now I’m nothing but sickeningly, ordinarily, trapped in turbulence.
Chills up and down through my body.
The room spinning.
My heart beating faster than I can catch my breath.
I hate myself, I hate myself, I repeat as I try to gasp for a breath.
I feel the tears flow down my face. I feel the pain rip through my heart.
One by one I see the ones I’ve hurt along the way. They’ve come back to haunt me.
I go numb. I think I’m dead. Finally.
She was your ex girl and she came back out of nowhere. Probably promising you the world, and I know I can’t give you the fucking world. But I did try to make you smile, I tried to make you laugh. I thought you wouldn’t be my past.
Until I got on Facebook and saw statuses about you. Now I’m mad at that girl, but before I even met you, you had a girl up at some school. You told me the reason you didn’t say the truth is cause you didn’t want me to think that was really you.
Thats cool I understand, I mean I was the one who pretty much ended it in the past, but that doesn’t mean I despised you. So lets fall in to amnesia, don’t worry about us. Relationships ain’t shit if they are never based on trust. My best friend called me on my phone asking about you, but that was way before I met the “new” you.
You went behind my back, you friended all my foes. Now you see, I can never lay with a man who has a motive, a scheme, or a plan. I tried to wish you the best but you have to know thats not really want I meant. Now your ex girl would probably try to talk shit, acting as if she knew me. I’ll just let it go though, wishing it was you who still knew me.